Immersion

Balance has never been my strong suit. It is something I feel I’ll be chasing my entire life – but sometimes I wonder, am I really setting out to achieve the achievable? Do people really ever live a balanced (mental) lifestyle? Or is this a mere illusion, more for your sake than mine, to make yourself feel like you really have got everything put together?

I am reminded again, as I type, of a timeless adage that everything is good in moderation. And I’m unsure what it is that makes me go into each feeling, each moment that I experience – an entirely immersive one. I go heart-first into it. As if I won’t get this moment back (and in truth, I won’t). I simultaneously want to “live in the moment, for the moment”, and also want them to last forever. To experience them again.

Because of this tendency, I focus my energy into things I know will be a part of my long-term, however short that may be (lulz, dark humor). I tend to do this more with the relationships in my life, because I firmly believe this is something that will outlive me and hopefully will leave a positive impact for the future generation to come iA. This can sometimes tilt the me-time VS family-time ratio but I’m slowly getting better at improving the variance.

And yet, I feel like currently I’m chasing short-term emotions in a long-term equation, as though attempting to fill a void. I’m unsure what to make of feeling like I lost a puzzle piece of my own in the midst of acquiring another. It oddly feels like I failed myself in some way or the other.

And perhaps that’s a signal to a bigger problem – one that I don’t know if I’m ready to face yet.

Not-so-eloquently yours,
– N

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5 thoughts on “Immersion

  1. I don’t know if others are balanced. What does that even mean? Just this week, I have some really great days where I felt everything was just perfect, but then I also had moments of insecurity, jealousy, pettiness. Is that balance? No, but it does balance out, if you see it in a certain way. I’m meandering, but I think it’s the human problematic. We are imperfect human beings living in a world of many demands. What balance looks like to one will not be the same for others

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