My heart fell when I heard the inevitable news. There were so many reasons as to why this was happening – I was trying hard to be optimistic and look at the bigger picture. It doesn’t reveal itself to me immediately, it takes time – it’s as though slowly, piece by piece, God explains the wisdom behind His decisions. He does it only when He knows I’m ready to understand it.
With that came a realisation in retrospect – and, to be perfectly blunt – I hate peeking into my “past”, so to speak – except in cases where I need to see how far I’ve come (Alhumdulillah). It hit me that everyone close to my heart are in different parts of the globe. And they are each unique individuals. Which is to say that it’s not a “group” – I have individual friendships with some wonderful individuals – on a one-to-one level.
But, I digress – what hit me was the pattern my life seemed to be following. Another person was leaving me. I wouldn’t see this person again for months. Our life was going to become long-distance phone calls, text messages and pictures trying our best to maintain some semblance of the bond we had amidst busy lives and frustrating time zones. Which is next to impossible – because its just not going to be the same as when you could easily pick up the phone and see them whenever you wanted to. You go through a period of rough adjustment before you resign to meet each other halfway and find a way to communicate that suits you. And life goes on. You come to understand that human connections surpass geography and reside within the expanse of the heart.
Out of the many lessons that came forth through this particular circumstance, one of that for me was that people always leave. I haven’t fully made my peace with this fact yet, despite the number of times this has happened. I’m afraid of bigger hits – more important chunks of my life disappearing. I know what it feels like to have a void in my heart but I also know that I don’t know it all. It can always be worse. I don’t think I could deal with that if it happens.
God was – no, is – teaching me to rely on Him alone. I see that. Even in the smaller instances – the colleagues I can share a genuine smile with, the tiny conversations I sometimes have with a couple of regular faces on my commute – they’ve either left or I’m aware that our time together is limited. I see that I’m being gently nudged to be conscious of the fact that what I seek from others’ – I need to seek it within. But more importantly, from the One who is Ever Lasting.
So why do we tend to make homes out of people? And why is separation so painful?
Heart wrenching-ly yours,