I remember my first steps into Islam – my Islam. I can never dismiss, let alone forget, that period in my life – the despair, the feeling of being completely lost, the need to press the restart button in my life. I quite literally felt I was being lead to where I needed to be, like someone was holding my hand and showing me the way – without me being a 100% consciously aware of what was happening (if that makes any sense). It partially felt like being on autopilot. But how can you autopilot your way into something you’ve never done before?
I don’t try to make sense of that anymore. I acknowledge it as a miracle, a gift from the Divine.
I remember the months following initial spiritual enlightenment to be one of pure awe. It was like seeing the world in a new light. My perspectives had changed. Oddly, it was as though I had found the last piece of a puzzle I had never tried to solve. I felt like I was carrying His light within me. I began to appreciate the complexity, subjectivity and how meticulously our lives are designed – such that you truly can’t comprehend how intricate anyone’s life is. Concepts of qadr, struggle, patience, gratitude and contentment were starting to take up permanent residence in my head.
I remember being under the false notion that it couldn’t be that difficult to stay strong and remember all the lessons I had learnt: of always remembering the bigger picture, of resilience, gratitude, faith. But truly, you are tested with ease, and you are tested with difficulties. No one anticipates a faith-shaking problem to disrupt the very foundation of their lives. Our (read: my) biggest problem is just wondering when I will get there. You know, there. The idealistic life that lives in our heads. But the thing is, what’s to say that once I reach my “there” – that I won’t face further problems?
The question then arises – when am I going to catch a break? The blunt truth is – never. I’m not going to. The
harsh reality is that life was never meant to give me a break. I spend my time attempting to perfect everything – when life was meant to be anything but. Our perfect lives (God willing) are already written and are waiting for us on the other side of a deep slumber.
But until then, I need to do the best I can, with what I’ve been given. Surely, if I’m tested with something, it already means that He believes I can handle it.
I don’t feel lost anymore.
توكلت على الله