Reiteration

I remember my first steps into Islam – my Islam. I can never dismiss, let alone forget, that period in my life – the despair, the feeling of being completely lost, the need to press the restart button in my life. I quite literally felt I was being lead to where I needed to be, like someone was holding my hand and showing me the way – without me being a 100% consciously aware of what was happening (if that makes any sense). It partially felt like being on autopilot. But how can you autopilot your way into something you’ve never done before?
I don’t try to make sense of that anymore. I acknowledge it as a miracle, a gift from the Divine.

I remember the months following initial spiritual enlightenment to be one of pure awe. It was like seeing the world in a new light. My perspectives had changed. Oddly, it was as though I had found the last piece of a puzzle I had never tried to solve. I felt like I was carrying His light within me. I began to appreciate the complexity, subjectivity and how meticulously our lives are designed – such that you truly can’t comprehend how intricate anyone’s life is. Concepts of qadr, struggle, patience, gratitude and contentment were starting to take up permanent residence in my head.

I remember being under the false notion that it couldn’t be that difficult to stay strong and remember all the lessons I had learnt: of always remembering the bigger picture, of resilience, gratitude, faith. But truly, you are tested with ease, and you are tested with difficulties. No one anticipates a faith-shaking problem to disrupt the very foundation of their lives. Our (read: my) biggest problem is just wondering when I will get there. You know, there. The idealistic life that lives in our heads. But the thing is, what’s to say that once I reach my “there” – that I won’t face further problems?

The question then arises – when am I going to catch a break? The blunt truth is – never. I’m not going to. The harsh reality is that life was never meant to give me a break. I spend my time attempting to perfect everything – when life was meant to be anything but. Our perfect lives (God willing) are already written and are waiting for us on the other side of a deep slumber.

But until then, I need to do the best I can, with what I’ve been given. Surely, if I’m tested with something, it already means that He believes I can handle it.

I don’t feel lost anymore.

توكلت على الله
– N

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5 thoughts on “Reiteration

  1. Beautiful! Your blog posts are like extended poems. I went through two such periods in my life of rediscovering Islam. Sometimes I read my old journals and feel sad about how ambitious I once was, but I suppose the ups and downs are a part of life. There’s no such thing with perfection in this life. But being able to resonate with this journey of yours gives me hope and a reassurance that perhaps I’m doing okay. Insha’Allah!

    “Surely, if I’m tested with something, it already means that He believes I can handle it.” Yes you can, Naureen! *hugs*

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ambitious with what? You mean your life plans? If it’s any consolation, I gain reassurance from yours. Thank you for your kind words, always, baaji ❤ This week was an emotional rollercoaster but I'm beginning to think it'll all fall into place, in its time.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes, I was referring to my one-time goal of being an alima. I feel guilty about it. Thank you, darling. I feel the same way about you, love! It will, Insha’Allah. Whenever bad things happen I always think of that one quote Sam tells Frodo (from LotR, sorry):

        Frodo: I can’t do this, Sam.

        Sam: I know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are. It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn’t. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.

        Frodo: What are we holding onto, Sam?

        Sam: That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo… and it’s worth fighting for.

        LOL, sorry I just geeked out there! 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

      2. You are meant to do something greater, something you’re finding greater happiness in currently. And like you’ve said, in some ways, you’re doing it all! Interfaith, writing, public speaking. Thank you for sending me those words from LOTR. Havent read the series’ myself (sheer blasphemy, I know) but they lift my spirits. 💜

        Liked by 1 person

      3. You’re right! I have to change my perspective and humble that ego of mine ❤ You are most welcome. I think that quote is from the film and not the book. Don't worry – I like the movies better than the book when I read it Heheh

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