Survival

How are we already at the end of the first week of November?

I have never experienced a year fly by as fast as 2016 is, and yet I’ve never felt recent months to be as slow as they could possibly be. I look at the date on the calendar when I need to, but I don’t register it’s significance in the grand scheme of things. That is due to either of two things: All I want to do is live in the present moment and make it count as much as I can or I’m living day by day, taking each day as it comes, slowly, patiently – hoping the next day comes quickly.

You can probably tell that the latter is when things are not going smoothly.

I was watching the latest episode of The Flash where Caitlyn Snow confronts her mom about not fulfilling her role as a mother post her dad’s death, and she responded by saying that that event was so devastating, that the only thing she could turn to was her work. It was what “saved” her. It got her through it.

And I wonder how that works, really. I have not yet experienced something as traumatic as the death of a loved one, but I’ve had some pretty awful things happen. And that’s life, isn’t it? You’re tested with both ease and hardships, and some of them will be things you couldn’t have ever imagined. But I’ve not ever been able to lose myself in my work – no matter how much I try. Perhaps I don’t try hard enough? My reaction is the opposite: I spiral out of focus, unable to give my attention to anything for too long without retreating back into my mind, living vicariously through my thoughts of what was and what could have been. It’s like a mental force pulling me in. It’s unhealthy. It’s also very difficult to control.

I don’t know if that – giving all of your attention to something else to avoid misery – is a coping mechanism that really works or not.

The flip side to that is being able to recognise and embrace your feelings in its entirety and attempt to come to terms with your situation. Then it wouldn’t be coping, right? It would be surviving.

But its this period of survival that’s the hardest. It’s a painstakingly slow walk – the kind that makes your ankles ache and toes suffer – because you decided it was just the right kind of event to commemorate your first time walking in 5 inch heels (Graduation killed my feet, you guys).

And so I walk. Blocking off hours in a day. It’s not very effective in disrupting the endless cycle of painful memories and anxious thoughts in my head, but at least the next day arrives sooner, with the hope that, maybe, today, it’ll be a little easier than yesterday.

Maybe today, I’ll be able to let go and immerse myself in work, like Dr. Snow.

Endeavouring-ly yours,
– N

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3 thoughts on “Survival

  1. I’m sorry you’re going through a rough patch right now, dear. This year HAS gone by rather quickly. Now, I’m not going to be an alarmist, saying it’s one of the signs, although I guess I just did. But I remember a quote Gretchen Reuben has sound before, “the days are long, but the years are short.” The day to day always feels neverendong, but the past seems like it could have been yesterday. Ah, time! I don’t think I’ve ever truly immersed myself in work for more than a few hours at a time. I’m only always in my head, but I guess that’s a mark of a writer/philosopher?

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  2. Ah! Everytime i come across your post on instagram i make a mental note to come by and check what news you have! Well written with the right chain of thoughts! I agree with you that year 2016 has rushed to end too quickly. Good times seem to go past swiftly and bad times linger on… thats how we believe but everything is to do with mind training that apparently is foreign to female brain. At least most of the times.! 😝 I can get lost in work and still feel unsettled. Just know nothing is permanent!

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    1. You’re quite right, actually. I remember being in a particular situation last year & writing about Mind over Matter – Really has a lot to do with the brain. Haha and whats to say that men can manage their emotions better? Thank you so much, Famidha ❤ I certainly hope so.

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