In an attempt to postpone the moment I’d have to jump in to work on the truckload of assignments I have for this week, I was browsing my Twitter feed post my usual email + Instagram check. Or it could also be due to the fact that my fingers feel bereft if left a moment alone without the familiar feeling of scrolling on my phone (A tragic addiction we don’t need to draw attention to right now). I was bombarded by the usual feel-good updates, when I read something that didn’t hit me until much later in the day.
Make sure you’re not drowning whilst being someone elses anchor.
That hit the hammer right on the head.
It tied in to a lot of what I was feeling for the past few weeks. How it’s so easy for me to bend over backwards for the people I love the most and not give a care in the world as to what it was doing to me.
I had to take a step back and really think about how much of myself I give up just to make someone else happy. I was startled, and a bit ashamed – for someone who has always thought of herself as a strong, independent woman who thrives on making her loved ones happy whilst remaining down to earth. My inner rhetoric was clashing with the reality of the situation and I wasn’t able to reconcile the two. It was easier to let myself be dragged further down into the abyss than to make the herculean effort of picking myself back up.
It dawned on me that although one of the biggest joys in my life is to make other people happy, there came a point where I was exhausted. Because I don’t give that kind of commitment to myself.
I’m unsure when along the way, I had internalised that it’s selfish to want to take care of yourself. Perhaps its because there’s a stigma attached to self-care – people are quick to assume you’re snobbish when you’re doing things for yourself. This sort of thinking is beyond ridiculous to me, but in the moment, the part of me that wants to keep you happy isn’t going to do anything about it.
I realise that has to change, that I need to be more consistent in feeding myself the love, care & joy that I always want to give to others.
I need to learn to be able to put myself first, too.
How can it be so easy for us to go the extra mile for someone else and not give our own selves the love that we deserve?